BREADTESTR LAUNCH ANNOUNCED — INNOVATIVE BREADSHARING STARTUP GOES LIVE
+ Launch marks new era in cloud-based mobile breadsharing technology
+ Early “Breadopters” are clamoring to test drive the no-cost, hassle-filled experimental bread delivery service by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org
Above: Breadtestr’s inspirational logo, developed on proprietary software over several months by an award-winning Swedish design firm, celebrates the youth, vigor, and mystery of the bread testing experience.
SAN FRANCISCO – Silicon Valley is abuzz with news that controversial breadsharing startup Breadtestr is gearing up for an exclusive late-May launch event. Insider sources reveal that invitations were sent out to all the most powerful opinion-makers in the bread technology sector, making the launch a make-or-break event for the Breaktestr team.
Chief Baking Officer Gene Goldstein-Plesser says Breadtestr is ready for the limelight. “The launch is just the beginning,” the reclusive founder declared. “The entire Breadtestr team is convinced that cloud-based mobile breadsharing is the way of the future, and we’re ready to bring that future to life, here in San Francisco.”
The announcement comes on the heels of Breadtestr’s invitation-only beta launch earlier today. A limited number of user accounts were made available to local bread enthusiasts who sent an email to email@example.com and followed the instructions in the automatic reply they received. These early “breadopters” will be the first to experience the proprietary loaf-matching technology that Breadtestr has been hard at work developing over the past 18 months.
Turning the popular on-demand convenience-focused delivery model on its head, Breadtestr forces users to comply with the company’s sporadic baking schedule and inflexible delivery times. Once on the platform, Breadtestrs will receive BreadAlerts, completely unpredictable notifications of imminent bread availability. The first four Testrs to reply will input their coordinates to schedule a LoafDrop, provided they can position themselves within a 15-minute bike ride of Breadtestr’s Alamo Square headquarters.
For most bread-tech industry analysts, the most shocking aspect of Breadtestr’s business model may be their Zero Dollar pricing scheme. After raising a record-breaking $500 Series G(randma) funding round last week, Breadtestr announced plans to provide their service completely free-of-charge indefinitely. Unnamed sources inside the company reveal that Breadtestr eventually plans to monetize their user base by selling advertising in the crust of the bread as well as developing cross-promotional partnerships with top flour conglomerates. At present, the only cost to Testrs will be their time and thoughtful feedback.
“We love our Breadtestrs,” exclaims Goldstein-Plesser. “Without them, our diverse team of partially-employed lesbian-raised homeschooled Jewish gay boys from North Carolina would have to test all the bread themselves!”
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